Why the Heterosexual Community is appalled by the five corners in the Straight Pride Parade

Recently, the company Super Happy Fun America held the first straight pride parade; but the heterosexual community is taking issue with the route. “How can we prove our straightness if the route for the Straight Pride Parade isn’t straight!” said Straight Pride activist and essential oils specialist Karen Fox. “I strongly believe that we need to have a straight Straight Pride. Otherwise, I’m stopping at the first corner.”


Hundreds of protesters agree with Fox and have refused to march past the first corner of the parade. Khaki pants model John West says that he is stopping at the first corner because he feels that “The oppressed majority would otherwise be bowing down to the rainbow flag.”


It is suspected by conspiracy theorists that the corners were placed in the route in order to convince people that love and acceptance is completely okay. “Which it obviously isn’t,” said pastor at the Church of the Straight Line, Donald Jones. “I know a sinner when I see one, and the people who made Super Happy Fun America put corners in the parade are going to be in the deepest depths of hell.”


We went to Dallas Straight Pride to interview some of the attendees. “The counter-protesters may outnumber us ten to one,” said two of them. The two men are professional pin-ballers by night and Axe Body Spray testers by day. “But they are no match for our extreme heterosexual manliness.” The two men were proudly holding a straight pride flag in front of city hall while twenty counter-protesters surrounded them. “However, we are still both going to stop at the first turn.”


We ran out of people to interview while at the Dallas Straight Pride Parade, since they were the only two people who showed up.


Appalled by this show of homophobia, counter-protesters have reacted by taking their same-sex partners on dates the day of. “Nothing aggravates The Straights more than seeing two gay men kissing at a Starbucks,” Allie Myers, interior designer and openly bisexual woman said. ”Especially if they are wearing crop tops, booty shorts, and doc martens.”


Super Happy Fun America released a statement saying that the parade is just “a show of strength in the straight community to show that, in order to be truly equal, heterosexual people must have the same rights to protest against the oppressed as the oppressed do to the oppressors.” According to them, the corners in the parade are, in fact, not symbolic of anything, those were just the streets that they could close that day. However, Karens, Jacks, and Kevins alike are all planning to halt before turning the bend.


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